Wonderful Journey

“This is what marriage really means: helping one another to reach the full status of being persons, responsible beings who do not run away from life.”

—Paul Tournier

Twenty years ago a girl walked into my life and changed it forever.

She’s also forever changed October for me, deciding that we should get married in the same month as my birthday, and, more importantly, the same month we shared our first kiss.

My wife Gabby and her family moved to South Haven in 2001, and with her twin sister, twin brothers and the rogue singleton brother Omar, we had all become instant friends. At the time I did not know that I had already met my future wife. Back then she was one of my best friends, always at my house with her sister Alex, watching movies, eating snacks and playing games with my family.

We all went to church together, which meant we even spent the weekends together to a degree. Often my future mother-in-law would joke with my parents that she had a contract “ready to go” for me to marry one of her girls.

Funny (and maybe scary) the foresight that woman has!

This October will mark our 14th anniversary as husband and wife. In today’s world I believe it is safe to say that this is a well-deserved milestone to cross. Not only have I enjoyed her continuous companionship, she has blessed me with three beautiful children: our own set of twins, Abigail and Joaquin, and our feisty Jamesetta. She’s also been the one to encourage me on my creative endeavors, and has shown on many occasions her capacity to love and care for others.

Over the years we’ve come to hear reoccurring comments regarding our marriage. Among them are, “how do you make it work for so long?” or, “I wish I had what you two have.”

Well, allow me a few paragraphs to talk about how we make it work and how others can have what we have.

First off, I want to make it clear I do not consider myself a marriage expert. As any writer will say that he or she can only write from their perspective, I, as a married man, can only explain what has worked for us and our marriage.

In my mind I think marriage is both an art and a craft. An art on the one hand because at times it requires a type of finesse and natural instinct. A craft because it takes time to develop those instincts and to understand what makes your marriage work, what makes it not work and the fact that it requires constant care and maintenance.

Gabby and I share many of the same interests. We are both musicians—she plays the piano and clarinet, and I am a violinist that also tinkers with other strings instruments like guitar and the dulcimer. Our favorite color is green. We are both highly competitive when it comes to board games, we enjoy going to the movies. festivals, etc. And even though we share so much in common, it is the differences that compliment our relationship. Gabby is a talented make up artist. She often paints our children’s faces for Halloween or during Spirit Week at school. She even jumps in on the fun herself, creating some seriously scary skeleton and zombie faces. She’s improved so much over the years that she’s even been invited to work local festivals in our hometown. Between the two of us, Gabby is the more outgoing type. I prefer to curl up with a good book or play video games every once an a while. Wearing make up isn’t my thing unless it were for some sort of performance or maybe a party, but she would have to talk me into it. Over time we’ve learned to make this difference work through compromise. Sometimes when I don’t feel like going out to a public event, I push it aside so I can be with her, especially when it is something she wants to do. Other times, especially after a long, trying week she is happy to snuggle up on the couch with me to binge watch Fail Army videos or a movie on Netflix or Hulu. We’ve rubbed off on each other, and we’ve learned how to compliment one another. She’s helped me to be a little bit more outgoing. I’ve helped her learn to enjoy the pleasantness of being home.

Like all living things, a good marriage requires a certain level of tenderness. I’ve learned that a little spontaneity and thoughtfulness goes a long, long way.

For our first year anniversary we lived in a tiny one bedroom apartment. It always ran hot thanks to the 80-year-old, wheelchair-bound neighbor living under us. She always had her heat cranked to the max, even in summer! I thought it would be sweet, since we didn’t have any money to get away for the weekend, to buy one Hershey Kiss candy for each day we had been married.

At that time I worked third shift at a hotel. When I came home I created a Kissing trail leading from our bedroom to the living room where I had piled the remaining Kisses on the floor. I called her from the living room, perched on the couch with eager anticipation. From the bedroom I heard her groan—Gabby is not a morning person—and eventually slide out of her little den. There came an “ouch!” as she stepped on the first Kiss, and then just like a child realizing she’s hit the jackpot of sweets, I heard and watched her pick each candy up until she saw the pile in the living room and just threw everything in so she could give me my own kiss.

Then we tried to eat as many Kisses as we could before they melted, sharing another sensation: chocolate overdose.

Another thing we used to do at the start of our marriage was to write small notes to each other in a spiral notebook. These usually we small messages of encouragement or about something we liked from each other that day. It turned into sort of a game. Whoever wrote last had to wait for the next person to write before they could add another note. We each wrote back and forth competing to put the other one in the position to write. That’s now been replaced with text messaging and GIF giving.

It is easy to get into a routine. In fact we try to establish a routine with our kids and professional lives. But unlike those two realms, a marriage needs to be wild at times, it needs to break free of the same old and run for a little bit. A change up doesn’t have to be expensive or grand, although there are times for such things. However, a card or a few roses, even a candy bar have taken our days from mundane to memorable if even for just a short while.

You get what you put in.

One of the last things I want to share is that for a marriage to go from good to better to best, you have to learn how to talk, to listen and to work together.

We live in a world where it seems people are far more inclined to be open about their feelings. And yet, the more people talk about them the less people are actually listening. Too often we try to interject our own opinions and thoughts and experiences that we forget to sit back and hear the other person out. To have a successful relationship, marriage, dating or even a healthy friendship, one must master the craft of listening.

Over time Gabby and I have learned how to do this. When we come to a rough spot or a major decision that will affect the entire family, we talk it through. We’ve gotten better about hearing each other’s side and then working toward a resolution. It is easy for an individual to get lost in his own perspective and think he’s done nothing wrong when an argument comes up. Try to let go of the notion that you’re purely innocent in a fight, or that your way is without a doubt the best way to do something, and take the time to listen.

I remember taking a course on public speaking in college. Gabby attended the same class with me. A mutual friend was also in the class with us, and one night he mentioned something he said worked for his grandparents when they fought: “When you get mad at each other take all your clothes off and see how long you stay mad!” That advice still brings a smile to my face, and while it may lead to other passionate events, I’ve found that by listening, talking things through and resolving a problem, issue, debate, etcetera can bring you closer.

Listening shouldn’t only be applied to when you’re in an argument. Listen with real intent when your other half is sharing a work accomplishment or story, when they are chatting with you about something they read or saw on TV. Be engaged, be untied in all things because that is what ties you together.

These are some craft elements that I’ve learned in nearly 14 years being married to the most beautiful woman ever. I’m still working on mastering them, and there are other aspects of being a better spouse I’m learning. But I mentioned that marriage is both a craft and an art, so let me talk about the art portion for a quick minute.

Art is defined as “The conscious use of skill and creative imagination, producing works to be appreciated primarily for their beauty or emotional power.” A successful marriage, an enjoyable marriage is one that takes learning the skills mentioned and using them creatively. It is learning to develop instinct in knowing how to react to your partner’s needs and wants. It is learning to speak up when you feel your needs or wants aren’t being meet (both within reason for your partner and you), and then working toward a resolution. It also requires being involved. Any artists, whether they be a painter, sculptor, cartoonist or whatever, is physically involved with their art. They take care in how they shape it. They stick with it and work to produce the best quality product they can.

Michelangelo spent four years painting the Sistine Chapel’s ceiling. His work changed Western art forever. Imagine if he gave up because the project was too big or too hard? Many future artists would be left without a substantial influence to spark their own creative endeavors, and we would have lost a piece of global history.

Gabby and I are working on our own mural. Shoot, we are working on our own chapel really. For years we’ve been building a solid foundation. We’ve constructed healthy walls for just the two of us. Somewhere there is an organ being played as we use broad brush strokes to paint the background in our painting. At times we have to use a steady, dedicated hand for the more delicate strokes. Together we have developed our own three-man crew to help us build our sanctuary. We’ve also been teaching and preparing them for the time in which they will go out and find their own partners and begin building and maintaining their own chapels.

I look forward to our anniversary every year. It marks another year I’ve been able to spend with my best friend. It allows me to look back and see the accomplishments we’ve achieved together.

This year may mark 14 years, but I still feel like it is our first year. I’m still excited to run off with Gabby. I’m excited to spoil her and surprise year. And yet this year’s anniversary is so much better than our first because of all the experiences we’ve had in that time, and all of the hardships we’ve prevailed through to get to where we are now and brought us even closer. There is no gift that can ever measure up to that.

Here is to 14 years, Babe, and I look forward to an eternity more.